lecture.

Annie Leibovitz at her SF exhibition
Originally uploaded by Robert Scoble

I have attended several lectures this year. None of the lectures I've been too haven't been related to my major yet until last night. The first photography lecture I have ever attended was by Annie Leibovitz.

Last night I had the opportunity to hear Annie Leibovitz speak at a lecture at Syracuse University.
This was a rare moment from the start. Annie isn't known to give very many lectures and it just so happens she is related to one of the students at SU so I'm guessing that's how it all began.

I hitched a ride with a sophomore from one of my classes named Sasha. I am really thankful she was willing to drive the only freshman going to the lecture all the way to Syracuse. When we got to SU, I felt very small and was easily intimated by the huge buildings that made up the campus. I tried to imagine me on this campus filled with opportunities and such but it just wasn't working out in my head. I imagined myself getting lost on the way too class every day, not being able to find my class room in the huge buildings, and being just one of the thousands and thousands of students there just trying to get by. It was then I decided maybe I'm meant to go to a small college. I think the size of SUNY colleges would be my limit, anything beyond there is just not my cup of tea.

Anyway, we arrived at the huge dome building where the lecture was being held and of course, we got there a bit too late and almost every seat was already taken. I wondered with the group for about 10 minutes looking for a seat then decided to go off on my own to find a bathroom then find myself a seat. I ended up having a really great seat with an awesome view...if i kneeled the whole time. I really tired to kneel the whole time but I was like ahh and my feet were driving me crazy so I sat and lifted myself up with my hands to see what was going on every 5 seconds. That method seemed to work a bit better.

The whole time I was just sitting there appreciating every minute I was listening to Annie speak. I knew I would never live those moments again so I soaked them in like a sponge while I could. She mentioned a lot of photographers I learned about in photo history class and I was happy to say that with almost every photographer she mentioned i was able to picture a picture of theirs in my head. hah.

I wish I could have stayed to shake her hand or something. She was lucky enough to be where she is today and to be able to meet some of my biggest heroes and inspirations. I envy her and she's a truly inspiring person. But sadly, there was a huge line waiting already and we had to get back to Caz.

Basically, I will never forget this opportunity I had. I came back to Caz wanting to tell everyone stories about the lecture.

Why party?

Before I go about my ranting on this subject, I just want to say that I don't believe that all some people do when they come to college is party, drink, and whatnot. I'm not saying they are bad people and I don't hate them. I'm not trying to offend anyone but here it goes...

At the end of May/beginning of June, in 1oth grade, one of my "friends" asked me what I was going to do for my birthday. It was my 16th birthday coming up in a few weeks. I responded with an "I don't know" because I'm not big on doing anything major for my own birthday. She replied with something along the lines of going to a party because I was turning 16 and I should really start partying. That pissed me off. Just because I was turning 16 doesn't mean I should go out and drink and smoke and forget everything the next day.

This friend of mine started partying at the beginning of that school year. Ever since then, we hung out less and less and another one of my friends and I were considered to be immature then. We were looked down upon for not going to these parties. We just wanted to have fun while sober...I didn't see the big deal.

It eventually got to the point where I would try to hang out with this friend, but whenever we set up a day to hang out, at the last minute she would say, "Oh, I am going to a friends house (the main party house) for the night, I forgot about that. You can come with me and watch. You don't have to drink."

I never went and I'm glad I didn't.

I thought about what would happen if I ever drank or smoke pot or anything like that. I am naturally an energetic person most of the time and that mixed with some sort of substance does not sound like the best idea. I am honestly scared to find out what I would do if I ever did any of that crap. It's just a bad idea all around. I don't see the point of me ever engaging in any of these fun filled activities.

I will admit, I have been around drunk people before. I have played games with them, helped them climb stairs, drove them home, kept them from falling, cleaned their wounds from being hit by tree branches, kept them out of trouble, etc. For all of those situations, I was the only sober one, or one of the few sober ones at that time. I was glad to be there to help them, those people I care about. But I never ever want to see myself in that situation. Since the 10th grade, I have decided to become straight-edge, which basically means, I live a clean life. The phrase "straight-edge" has been widely overused since I have decided to claim myself to be one. So, instead, I'll just call myself clean and leave it at that.

One thing I have noticed recently and that really bothers me is seeing people's decisions on what college to go to based off of the party scene. That's plain stupid. You are not paying a few thousand dollars a semester to party your butt off at college. If you want to party all the time, stay home, get a job at the gas station, and try to live your way through buying beer every weekend to have a great time. Go for it, it's your life. Just don't come to college expecting it to be one big party. Sure you can party sometimes, just don't forget about the work. Really, reality will slap you in the face, I promise. When the end of the semester rolls around and you get a letter in the mail saying you are dismissed from college because you haven't been putting any effort into your work, it's your own fault.

I understand that some people rely on drugs and alcohol because they are depressed, stressed, or need a break from life. I need those moments too I just take them in a completely different direction. I write, I cry, I take walks, I sit by a lake, I play music, I blast music, I vent, I'm quiet, I watch a funny movie, I read, I hug. I do anything to make myself feel better and not rely on any substance. People who do worry me, a lot. I know several people who have abused drugs and alcohol to the point of them overdosing or getting into some serious trouble. So many horrible things happens at parties, or when someones alone involving overdosing or something like that. It's reality, it's the truth, we can't ignore it. Why do some people chose to try to ignore it and get themselves into the same quicksand and they finally find out they can't escape. It's horrible I can't even explain this very well.

I chose not to party because I do not want to party. I know several people who do the same thing and that's why I am friends with them. I also know several people who will do what they want and party when they want and that's fine, just try not to worry me too much and take care of yourself. If you ask me to go to a party involving drinking and smoking instead of free food twister and piñatas, I'm most likely to say no. Don't be surprised when I do because I am sick of people being surprised that a college student doesn't party.

Twenty Random Facts about me.

1. I want to write a book someday.

2. I was asked the other day how I have so much energy all the time. I honestly don't know the answer to that question.

3. I'm deeply afraid of losing people to death.

4. Lately, I've been comparing my surroundings to things related to my family. Tall Timbers, Easter, Christmas, Long Island, NC, etc. I guess I'm just deprived of a lot of my cousins.

5. I'm apparently movie deprived.

6. I have the weirdest, craziest dreams ever. I will explain them to you if you ask.

7. I'm afraid of staple guns and won't let bumble bees get to close to me because of a dream I had as a kid involving the both of them.

8. I love pizza.

9. Whenever I hear ska music I find it impossible to stand still.

10. I have a habit of shaking my foot, tapping my foot, or something causing me to never be able to sit still.

11. I think it's amusing when guys are surprised that I can pick them up.

12. Sometimes I find myself annoying and wonder how people can deal with me. Sometimes I actually like the way I am.

13. Even though I am a optimistic for some people, I can be pretty pessimistic towards myself.

14. I wish I still played guitar like I used to, I lack the motivation now.

15. I wish I could pull a Back to the Future and drive 88 miles and time travel. I want to experience almost every era.

16. I find it hard to actually be mean to people. I am terrible at insults.

17. I wish I was better at memorizing things. I don't remember half of the vocab words I learned in high school English, or in Spanish. I don't remember most things science and history related. Math is just a lost cause. I did horrible on the SATs. It wasn't until college that I realized I am a visual person.

18. I really really really really hope I can play guitar on stage with Green Day someday. It's a huge wish, one out of a few thousand, but it's possible.

19. When I run outside in the morning around 6am I always think the people who are wandering the streets are sleepwalking and zombieish. I tend to run faster when I run past them.

20. I never cry in public unless I'm at a funeral.

done.

KEVIN!

At this point, I could read forever.

Sometimes I like to ignore my life and get lost in books.

I laugh at the humor that's presented to me, smirk when something cute happens, cry when something terribly depressing happens, and basically, feel what the characters feel.

Sometimes I much rather be in the world of the book I am reading than my own world. That's always happened in my head. Sometimes I picture my life as a book or a movie and wonder if anyone would feel the same if my life was a story written in words. Who knows?

It's just one of those ways to escape my own reality.

Sometimes I just feel the need to do that, even if I am having the best day ever.

Reading is just one of my methods to escape reality. Music and writing are my other two ways. Then sleeping is the natural way. With all of these things, I barely notice the passing of time, which is actually great for me. I have this habit of looking at my watch every few minutes because I have to know what time it is and I tend to be paranoid about being late for things almost all the time. My alarm clock is set almost every day, it is really rare when I don't wake up to it in the mornings, even on weekends. I'm a robot. I have schedules for everything planned out in my head and tend to make plans that fail all the time. Time basically runs my life, and plenty of other lives as well. It is immensely nice to take a break from that.

Another thing I like to do is sit at a quiet lake or pond for as long as I need to and just think. I reflect on whatever happened that day, two months ago, 5 years ago. All of my thoughts are connected in some weird messed up way. Sometimes I wonder how I get to such random thoughts and I would have to trace back to what I started thinking about first to understand where that random thought came from.

If you haven't noticed already, I over think things, all the time. It could be a good thing or a bad thing I suppose. I tend to question anything and everything. I don't know what else to say...

That's why getting lost in time is so appealing to me. I don't have to listen to the outside world. I can focus on making myself happy and content rather than doing things for other people. don't get me wrong, I love helping other people. I just don't give myself a whole lot of time to do what I want.

This blog would have been a lot better if I didn't have to go to class in between writing it...

It was a bad rant.

I have become quite fond of Irish accents..

I have quite a bit to ramble about today.

First off, I finished the last of Frank McCourt's books yesterday.

Every time I picked up one of his books, I loved reading it more and more.

At first, I found myself having to get used to his writing style. For example he doesn't use quotation makes while someone is speaking and he rambles quite a bit. It didn't take long for me to get used to it and realize we kind of have a similar train of thought, as weird as that may sound.

We both tend to ramble a lot, question everything, and over think things.

I really enjoyed his series because I feel as if I watched him grow up with each book I read. I watched him grow up in Ireland, face America on his own, and eventually find himself as a teacher. I feel like he has a very accomplished life and he ended up writing a book, three for that matter, like he always wanted. I liked seeing him grow up to be content with his life and he found something to do with his life that he doesn't have to suffer through every day, he actually enjoys it. It might have taken him a while to enjoy it, but eventually it happened.

I would love to meet him.

Number 2.

Yesterday, I went with Michelle, Helena, and Brian to buy clothes for our soon to be made sitcom parody. On the way there, Helena blasted some Sum 41 songs and really got me thinking about when I was in a band and of course, it made me really really really miss it.

Ever since I got to college, I haven't been playing guitar as much as I used to. I'm busy a lot of the time, and other times I don't feel inspired like I used to. I feel as if I suck in general and I shouldn't even bother. But, there are those voices in my head, and yes one of them is Ryan's, telling me I don't suck and that I just need to practice.

I loved being in a band. I always picture myself playing along with songs on a stage and singing my heart out even thought I can't sing. I imagine a crowd cheering and singing along. It's one of the best feelings performing in front of people, really. Especially when they have as much energy as you do. Ahh, I really wish I went farther with my music. A lot of people suggested I go to college for it, I knew I couldn't do it though. I wish I put some effort into learning how to read music notes, practice a lot more, and actually write some songs.

Also, I saw the play "The Sound of Music" last night for the first time. It was amazing. I envied and admired everyone up there even the little actress who played the youngest daughter. I really am jealous of people who have been in musicals. I can never see myself doing what they do. But it looks like so much fun and a really great opportunity in general.

I need to get my motivation back.

Someone find it for me!

Number 3.

I walk funny. I've been told by at least 5 people now that I walk funny, that I look like I'm limping, or something else on those lines.

I don't know why, but I am extremely subconscience about my walking. When I purposely try not to look like an idiot in front of people, I tend to pay way to much attention to how I walk and end up looking stupid anyway. Maybe it's just the way I naturally walk. When I don't pay attention to it, I walk normally, or so I think.

bah.

Number 4.

I want to travel.

a lot.

I can't afford any of these traveling dreams I have, but I am really hoping it will happen someday.

I have this list of things I want to do before I die and a lot of traveling is on it.

I want to go to New Zealand, England, Ireland, Italy, Australia, etc.

I want to experience the world and see the different cultures, try weird food that doesn't have fish in it.

I want to take a million pictures, write stories, talk to people, everything.

Right now, I just want to get to NC to see family.

& I can't even do that.

I suppose I am done for now.

A somewhat failed attempt at a rant...

I really think people should stop to think about what's going on with the rest of the world and other's people's lives, conditions, and situations rather than being caught up in theirs all the time.

Today, I went to another lecture that opened my eyes even more than they were before.

I like being aware of other things going on in the world.

A lot of people just went to this lecture because it was a requirement for one of their classes. Some people actually appreciated it, others couldn't wait for it to be over. I just wish that even though some people might not want to be there or they completely dread the whole lecture, they would just take the time to listen and absorb what the speaker was saying.

I'm not saying the people who chose not to listen are bad people, or that they are ignorant teenagers who only care about their own lives, I'm just saying that someday reality should slap them in the face.

Jen Marlowe was the speaker. She's a filmmaker, a writer, and someone who travels the world to experience and see what other families, cultures, and countries are going through. She's quite the extraordinary person. Not the person I would call a hero, or someone as she quotes "who gives a voice to the voiceless." She's someone who informs America and several other parts of the world what's going on, what people should be aware of, she's really an inspiration.

Every time I watch one of these lectures, I find them to be incredibly inspiring. I really think Cazenovia is actually good at picking out amazing and interesting people from the wide range of photographers, lectures, film makers, journalists and inviting them to speak here. I appreciate it, a lot.

Ever since the beginning of the semester I have developed an interest in documentary photography. Soon, when I have the time, I will watch more films. But for now, I have listened to a lot of people talk about the subject and it really makes me want to be someone who writes, takes pictures of, and makes film out of what is going on in the world instead of just staging pictures and creating a false reality. (Even though, creating a false reality/fantasy would be something I would like to do as well. I just think the messages of documentaries are so much more powerful.)

Even though seeing what's going on in the world is harsh, unexpected, and sometimes hard to believe. Despite what you might convince yourself, it is going on. It is worth taking note of and considering. It's worth thinking about every day and trying to find a way to help out. I think it's better to be aware of these things then being completely sheltered. It may not be the happy way around life, but it does make you appreciate what you have...hopefully...

Anyway, I expected this rant to be a whole lot better.

I had it planned out in my head and then I was distracted by Family Guy.

Maybe better blogs will come along later in the week...

P.S. I didn't know what picture to include with this blog. So, I posted a nifty picture I found on flickr.

^.^

I've decided I want to be reincarnated into a bird.

Still in love? I think so ; )
Originally uploaded by Henný G

Okay, at first, I had nothing to rant about until I saw one word.
Love.
And now I will explain to you what I think of that word and how it is also abused.

Love is something to cherish, it takes a long time to accomplish, it's a complicated thing, it's supposed to be an honest word, and it takes one second to abuse.
What annoys me is the people who use the word just to make their partner happy.
This instance could take place at any age.
Little 7th and 8th graders can be dating someone for a week and claim to love them.
Whenever I hear them mutter an, "I love you" to each other I know it's a lie. I know that they haven't been through enough in their lives to really understand love with someone that's outside of their family.

Love takes a while to understand, in fact, it's a hard thing to understand until you fully figure it out for yourself.
I believe that a lot of people use this word when they don't know what it means and abuse it in that way. I know this because I have experienced it before.
I once claimed I was in love in 10th grade, now I know it was a bunch of sillyness.
For one, I never saw this person I was dating and I was falling in love with the image of the person in my head, not the actual physical person that I actually didn't even know as well as I thought I did.
I was happy at the time, sure. I just had no idea what the flip I was doing.

After that incident, I had a habit of observing other people's relationships and figuring out what it would really be like to fall in love. But of course, I didn't know until love unexpectedly found me.
I think now that I have been though years and years of seeing relationships come and go, going through weird relationships myself, and not throwing myself and my feelings at every guy I ever liked, I have learned what love really is.
I took the time to appreciate what I have now and I am happy with the end results of my stubbornness in high school and what has happened to put me at this point in my life.

One piece of advice I will give is to not look for love, it will find you someday.
At first, I didn't want to believe that. I would always try to find someone to like and see if I can make a relationship work between us in my head and get to know the person before I decide if I actually like that person or not.
But no, that imagination of mine of an ideal relationship never worked. I never let love happen naturally and take it's course until last June.

To end this rant of mine, I shared a picture of what I believe is true love.
I found it on flickr and it makes me smile every time I see it. : ]

I'm a Soul Mannnn

I haven't written one of these in a while.

But I always feel the need to. Writing these blogs are therapeutic and kind of keep me sane sometimes.

Right now, I am sipping apple juice from a juice box and contemplating the meaning of life...or the meaning of my life for that matter.

As far as I'm concerned, for now the meaning of life is still 42 (for those of you who haven't read The Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy you need to get on that).

The past few years of my life, I have made some of the hardest decisions I have encountered yet and I know there's plenty more to come.

Some of those decisions include what college I was going to go to and what major I wanted to peruse most.

I have decided that I am pretty content where I am at. I want to peruse a career in photography and I think that Cazenovia is a good place to start that.

Since I have been here, I also had to learn how to come to terms with change.

I hate doing that.

Since I left high school, I was pretty determined to prove the common fact of losing friends after high school wrong. But, I failed at that. I just don't talk to people like I used to before. The frantic waves, hugs, and hellos in the hallways don't happen in college. Those long talks in study halls and late nights pigging out on junk food never do last forever. That saddens me. I try to talk to people sometimes. But the conversations always seem to fade and sometimes there are those moments where we've realized we all have changed and there's nothing we can do about it. The vibes of our friendship might be lost for a few months, a few years, it may or may not come back. But, we always have the memories and we shouldn't try to erase them by any means. People may say they do, but they can't help but think about it.

I also had to learn how to accept death and how to move on. Last year, both John's father and my Grandpa on my mom's side passed away. It was hard for me to accept both even though I didn't know John's father that well. It killed me to see my Grandpa go though. Old age just got to him to the point where he was weak and couldn't do anything by himself anymore. When he was in the hospital, close to his end, I made sure I had a few minutes with him to talk to him. I told him how much me meant to me and what was currently going on in my life. I was holding his hand the whole entire time and when I was done talking, I saw him squeeze my hand a bit. When I got out to leave, I put a stack of napkins in his hand to make sure he has enough for when he moves on. (He always used to ask waitresses at restaurants for an extra stack of napkins. It turned into an inside joke.)

Another thing I find hard to accept is that my family and family traditions are slowly falling apart. As much as I would like to ignore it and pretend everything is going to be okay, reality just comes back to haunt me again.

Every Easter, I used to go to NJ to spend time with my dad's side of the family. We would all meet up at Aunt Jody's house, go Easter egg hunting, go eat a huge Chinese buffet and take over 4 long tables, and just have a great time.

Last year was my last chance to go to Easter in NJ before college started. But, unfortunately, my dad was in the hospital and I chose not to go because I didn't want to leave him alone.

This year, Jody went to NC to spend time with the rest of our family while I was at home for Easter because Cazenovia is stubborn and won't give us time off like normal colleges.

Another thing that is happening is that my family is beginning to develop a habit of fleeing to NC. (This is still my Dad's side of the family.) Soon, everyone is going to end up there, I swear.

I have nothing against my family living there except it's going to cost me a few hundred dollars just to visit them every time I want to. Right now, my cousins and my aunt's family have been living there for about 2 years and recently my grandparents moved down there. I have yet to visit because I don't have a few hundred to blow on a plane ticket.

Since my grandparents moved down there, now Christmas won't be the same.

meh...