Journal 1

Today, I decided to take a step into my past.
I started a journal on November 26th 2008 and finished it on June 19th, 2009.
I found quite a few entries I would like to share on my blog. I am going to type 2 up today and save the rest for the appropriate times.

For now, here is an entry from January 5th, 2009...

Here comes the new year.

How did time possibly go by that fast?
-I don't understand.

Anyway, here's another venting moment in this lame Harry Potter journal I stole from my sister.

Last weekend, I spent the weekend with my dad and Melanie at Felecia's house.
I was really content that weekend, I had my own quiet room for once. The room I have at my mom's house, I can hear everything that goes on in the house all the time.

While I was reading over the weekend, something really weird happened. I am currently reading the book, Brave New World, and it talks quite a bit about life and death. After I read a certain part of that book, I just stopped and stared at the blue walls of that small room for a while. All of the sudden, I became really scared of life and death, which is never good.

I have often questioned why I am here. I've looked at my fingers, face, body, and questioned everything. I don't think I will ever understand this part of me that is so scared of the world, of life, of death, of love. Yet, at the same time, I want to live. I want to fall in love. I want to see and experience every bit of this world. I don't understand how I am scared and willing/wanting at the same time.

At that moment, my potentional future flew past me in a matter of minutes. I was so afraid of growing up and growing old.
The sad thing is, I don't have anyone to vent to about this.


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Just for the record, I have thought that way for as long as I can remember. I have these random moments where I would stare into nothingness and scare the crap out of myself with my own thoughts. I'm not as bad as I used to be, I have things in my life to distract me. But it still happens from time to time.