Salt and Pepper

Salt and Pepper a video by Jouko van der Kruijssen on Flickr.

You have a wonderful habit of tearing me apart.

My biggest fear is life and not being happy with the way it's going to turn out.

I wasn't happy then. I don't know what happened. I can't explain why my feelings were lost. I had to do something about it before it got too out of hand.

Just for the record, I'm not happy right now.

Why?

Because I'm hurting you.

“Sometimes I’m terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.”

— Edgar Allan Poe

For the past few nights, I repeat "Everything is going to be okay" in my head to help myself fall asleep.

Hopefully one day things will actually be that way.

There is a reason for everything.

All I want is to be happy

and I have to hurt people on the way.

How selfish is that?

Here’s to hoping my dreams are better than reality.

I hate being the cause for you being miserable.

I can't deny the fact that you were in amazing a boyfriend because you were. I enjoyed every minute of falling in love with you and sharing the memories that we did.

It's my fault everything is messed up now. My feelings changed and that scared me.

I felt guilty every time you would say "I love you" and I wouldn't feel that way anymore. I felt guilty that my thoughts for you turned from thoughts of love and compassion to thoughts of friendship. I felt terrible for neglecting you for a semester and being busy all the time and not talking to you as much.

I couldn't let myself live with these thoughts and feelings and act like everything is okay around you. I'm sorry it had to be this way.

As for him, he has nothing to do with my decision to break up with you. I started questioning my happiness in December and I didn't start hanging out with him until the beginning of February. You don't have the right to threaten him and you don't have any reason to hate his guts.

I'm the one you should be angry at.

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I've figured out that I am the happiest when I'm not in Stamford.

I need to get out an explore more.

I need to get a job.

I need to surround myself with friends 90% of the time so I don't get lonely and over think things.

I need to practice my guitar and bass every day, an hour each.

I need to do more photography despite the fact I get discouraged so easily and I lost my inspiration for it.

pluh.

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?

Here we go again...

10 Thoughts of Randomness for today....I'm going to try to blog more often again.

1. In all honestly, I am enjoying college. Not only am I taking classes I actually like, but I have made some of my best friends here. It would kill me to not stay in contact with them after we graduate.

2. To my friends I don't talk to much anymore, (for example, my friends who have moved away, lost contact with, grew apart) I just wanted to let you know I will never stop caring about you.

3. I question my major a few times a week but then always find ways to prove maybe I'm meant to be a photographer.

4. Ever since I switched my major to photography, I found myself using my point and shoot less and less and I've somewhat stopped documenting my life in that way.

5. I don't really know where I am going with my life, I don't know where I will end up. I just know that no matter what I do, I want to be completely happy with whatever happens.

6. I discovered today that no matter who I'm around, if the "Time Warp" starts to play, I will dance to it.

7. Sometimes, I hate the way my mind works. Other times, I actually like who I am.

8. I'm a sucker for Patrick Stump, Frank Sinatra, and George Harrison.

9. You know what would be awesome, if I could make everyone happy at the same time.

10. I don't know why, but I've noticed that when I first start to hang out with people, they tend to call me Jen or even by my last name....sometimes. But, when I've known people forever, they call me Jenna. Also (I think it's because I'm short), anyone who is taller than me has a tendency to pick me up during a hug and spin me around and/or throw me over their shoulder. I guess I should be used to it by now...haha.