Journal 2

I felt the need to post my separate journal entry in a separate post.

So, here it goes...

June 17th, 2009
5:49 am

I just experienced one of the most happiest/infinite moments of my life.

Well, first off, I fell asleep around 12:30-1ish and ended up waking up at 3. I tried to fall back asleep but I had many failed attempts. Eventually, I gave up and went downstairs to watch some TV (The Flintstones, The Nanny, and Rocket Power). Soon, I realized that I could watch the sunrise. So, I wrapped myself in my Beatles blanket, walked outside to the end of my drive way, and just sat there.

I watched the sunrise and the clouds moving and shaping themselves into different images. Ilistened to the songs of the birds. I saw the cutest bunny hop to it's home somewhere on my property. At one point, a loud noisy truck passed, then backed up to see if I was okay. It was then I realized I don't think I know anyone who would be willing to get up in the wee hours of the morning just to appreciate a moment like this with me.

It was so peaceful, so perfect. I appreciated every second of it and felt so infinite. I haven't been this happy in a long time. Maybe if I did this earlier I would have been in an infinite state of mind sooner. But, it's better late than never.

The whole time, I wished Ryan was there with me to experience this whole thing. It's kind of ironic though because yesterday while on the rock we were sitting on, we figurd out that it would be the perfect spot to watch the sunrise. I told him he should kidnap me at 3 am just to bring me there. The funny thing is, I subconsciously woke up at 3 am.

Now I think I might be tired enough to get a few more hours of sleep.

silly insomniac.

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I plan to do this sometime again, very soon. It's well worth being an early bird to get up for it.
: ]

Journal 1

Today, I decided to take a step into my past.
I started a journal on November 26th 2008 and finished it on June 19th, 2009.
I found quite a few entries I would like to share on my blog. I am going to type 2 up today and save the rest for the appropriate times.

For now, here is an entry from January 5th, 2009...

Here comes the new year.

How did time possibly go by that fast?
-I don't understand.

Anyway, here's another venting moment in this lame Harry Potter journal I stole from my sister.

Last weekend, I spent the weekend with my dad and Melanie at Felecia's house.
I was really content that weekend, I had my own quiet room for once. The room I have at my mom's house, I can hear everything that goes on in the house all the time.

While I was reading over the weekend, something really weird happened. I am currently reading the book, Brave New World, and it talks quite a bit about life and death. After I read a certain part of that book, I just stopped and stared at the blue walls of that small room for a while. All of the sudden, I became really scared of life and death, which is never good.

I have often questioned why I am here. I've looked at my fingers, face, body, and questioned everything. I don't think I will ever understand this part of me that is so scared of the world, of life, of death, of love. Yet, at the same time, I want to live. I want to fall in love. I want to see and experience every bit of this world. I don't understand how I am scared and willing/wanting at the same time.

At that moment, my potentional future flew past me in a matter of minutes. I was so afraid of growing up and growing old.
The sad thing is, I don't have anyone to vent to about this.


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Just for the record, I have thought that way for as long as I can remember. I have these random moments where I would stare into nothingness and scare the crap out of myself with my own thoughts. I'm not as bad as I used to be, I have things in my life to distract me. But it still happens from time to time.

books, books, and more books!

Whenever I finish an amazing book, all I want to do is tell people about it.

I was to discuss what happened in the book and express my feelings and opinions about it.

But, most of the time, I never have anyone to discuss it with.

So, I have decided to list off books from the top of my head that I loved and I think people should read. Okay, here we go:

1. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini then read A Thousand Splendid Suns

2. Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

3. The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

4. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand (I would also recommend The Fountainhead as well but I personally enjoyed Atlas Shrugged a lot more.)

5. All of the books by Frank McCourt: Angela's Ashes, 'Tis, and Teacher Man

6. The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger

7. Any book by Kurt Vonnegut

8. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley scared the crap out of me but it's worth reading, trust me.

9. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and the rest of the series by Douglas Adams (guaranteed to make you laugh)

10. The Freedom Writers Diary - true stories written by students, a must read

11. Go Ask Alice

12. Don't forget the Harry Potter books!

13. Looking for Alaska by John Green

14. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

15. Anne Frank!

16. All of Dan Brown's books! - The DaVinci Code, Angels and Demons, and The Lost Symbol

That's all I've got for now, there's plenty more out there tho and more that I know I'm forgetting.

But, if you have read any of these, or eventually read these books, let me know. I would love to hear your thoughts. : ]

Oh, the snow in Mayyy.

This blog has nothing to do with snow.

Actually, I am terribly delayed in this whole blogging business so I thought while it's still snowing outside, why don't I update my small fan base on my ever so interesting life.

I am officially done with being a freshman in college. Crazy right? I honestly don't know how this semester went by so quickly. Last semester, now that was a drag.

Let's recap this year.

When I arrived at Cazenovia I felt very welcome, actually. The orientation advisors were great (most of them) and they did a good job at waking everyone up in the mornings with pots and pants.

But anyway, us freshman were hit with a lot of crap at once. This was really a life changing experience and a whole lot of crap thrown on our shoulders. We were placed into a different world and we had no idea what was going to happen and how we were going to handle everything. We were pretty much all scared poopless yet at the same time we all had that rush of excitement.

I met Kathryn shortly after arriving and from that moment on I knew we would get along perfectly despite our musical differences (haha). I loved our room, the campus, the lake, Cazenovia just seemed perfect for me. But later that night I arrived, everything struck me at once.

I was one nervous, paranoid, son of a batch of cookies. After just a few days, I was homesick but never showed it around people. I longed for the familiar halls of high school and the faces I saw every day. I was in terrible need of hugs all of the time and even though Kathryn was beside me for about 90% of my first few days there, I felt alone. I cried when I was in the room alone, vented to Ryan about how unsure I was about Caz, etc.

Kathryn was going through similar things but she was actually showing them in front of people, which is fine. I hugged her plenty of times and told her everything was going to be okay even though I knew her for just a few days. Turns out, things did get better for a lot of us freshman.

Soon, Kathryn and I ran into someone named Lisa. She was going through the paranoid freshman stage as well. We all talked about it and vented about how maybe other colleges would have been a better choice or in Lisa's case, dropping out and becoming a hobo. We all kind of talked ourselves into hating Cazenovia.

Classes started and that just made matters worse, but better at the same time (come to think of it.) I was taking a Funds. of College Math at the time and whole class was treated like we were dumb and we all grew to hate the class. Some of us can't help we suck at math, I'm sorry. Academic Writing II was a challenge. I took Academic Writing I in high school and lo and behold it didn't help me at all in this course. I didn't know what the freak we were writing most of the time (Textual Analysis and Annotated Bibs). I compared that class to pulling a 2 ton train, I sometimes wished I was pulling a train instead of trying to get through that class. The Music Seminar wasn't bad. But, the good thing about that semester is that my advisor put me into a Photography I course (photo was my minor) and an Art History I course. It was with those classes that I realized I wanted to change my major. By the end of the semester, I found a knack and passion in photography. Thank you Eric Boyer, my first advisor.

Throughout these class days, I was a hermit crab. Even though I didn't go home every weekend, I went home...most weekends to visit my boyfriend Ryan. I found it hard to go 1 or two weeks without seeing him. But with being two hours away and since the work piled on, I ended up having to be away from him up to almost a month at times and we both hated it so. In the meantime, we were able to at least saw each others faces on skype. :P I stayed in my room and did work most of the time I was on campus. A few times in the beginning of the year, Lisa, Kathryn and I went to a park we found by the lake. That park ended up being my favorite spot but once it got cold, we stopped going. Soon, Jolene joined our freshman journey.

It wasn't long until I wanted to transfer. I was so sick of Cazenovia, its classes, the people, everything. Everything was just pissing me off and whenever I went through each day I found something new to hate at Caz. I had three close friends and just stayed in the group with them. I didn't make socializing a priority and I did not by any means had any desire to party. So, I started to looking into the art program at SUNY Oneonta. I figured it would be better for me. I already have friends who go there, they have photography, and it's much closer to home.

I battled with SUNY Oneonta for months. I visited, talked to a advisor, sent in everything needed to apply, and made sure my classes transfered. Then, I had to deal with the art department. The chair of the art department was the most impossible person. I never want to deal with her again. I wanted to see if my photography classes transfered, so I gave her my syllabus and hoped for the best. Months later, they haven't told me anything yet and apparently lost my syllabus. At the same time, the chair of the photo department is retiring and whenever I tried to ask if they were looking to hire anyone new to teach classes, I couldn't get a straight answer out of anyone.

When the semester ended, Lisa left for good and it was a sad day indeed. She decided to not give another chance to Caz and immediately jumped on an opportunity to live in an apartment with her friend and attend a school only a few minutes from where she lived. I, on the other hand, had no choice to give Caz another chance. My grades from high school weren't good enough for SUNY Oneonta.

My second semester at Caz was a much different and much better one. I had to take 3 studio classes which I thought would kill me, they actually turned out to be not that bad and enjoyable. I started to meet people within my major and actually started to make some friends (go figure!). Anyway, it all started with my friend, Aaron. We were in Drawing and Effective Speaking class together. One day, we were required to attend a lecture, him and the professor saw me sit alone and wouldn't let me sit alone. So, I sat by them. After that, I walked back to campus with Aaron and we watched some of the Olympics together. He officially brought me out out of my hermit crab shell. Soon, I was no longer afraid of being myself around people and actually letting myself have some fun.

This past semester, it seemed as if everything finally came together for me at Caz. I felt happier and I fell in love with my major and classes I never thought I would like/be good at before (Time Movement & Narrative). I started to actually love Caz and appreciated it for what it is. I found that I am a much better college student than a high school student because I enjoy what I am doing. I finally felt content with college, everyone does at one point or another. Sometimes it takes more than a semester, maybe even more than a year, it's different for everyone.

Here is my shout out to people who made college a not so bad place:

Kathryn, Jolene, Lisa, Aaron, Michelle, Helena, Lindsey, Brian, Chaz, Johnna, Bri, Kaley, Ivan, Emily, Lauren, Elise, & others.

Thank you : ]

lecture.

Annie Leibovitz at her SF exhibition
Originally uploaded by Robert Scoble

I have attended several lectures this year. None of the lectures I've been too haven't been related to my major yet until last night. The first photography lecture I have ever attended was by Annie Leibovitz.

Last night I had the opportunity to hear Annie Leibovitz speak at a lecture at Syracuse University.
This was a rare moment from the start. Annie isn't known to give very many lectures and it just so happens she is related to one of the students at SU so I'm guessing that's how it all began.

I hitched a ride with a sophomore from one of my classes named Sasha. I am really thankful she was willing to drive the only freshman going to the lecture all the way to Syracuse. When we got to SU, I felt very small and was easily intimated by the huge buildings that made up the campus. I tried to imagine me on this campus filled with opportunities and such but it just wasn't working out in my head. I imagined myself getting lost on the way too class every day, not being able to find my class room in the huge buildings, and being just one of the thousands and thousands of students there just trying to get by. It was then I decided maybe I'm meant to go to a small college. I think the size of SUNY colleges would be my limit, anything beyond there is just not my cup of tea.

Anyway, we arrived at the huge dome building where the lecture was being held and of course, we got there a bit too late and almost every seat was already taken. I wondered with the group for about 10 minutes looking for a seat then decided to go off on my own to find a bathroom then find myself a seat. I ended up having a really great seat with an awesome view...if i kneeled the whole time. I really tired to kneel the whole time but I was like ahh and my feet were driving me crazy so I sat and lifted myself up with my hands to see what was going on every 5 seconds. That method seemed to work a bit better.

The whole time I was just sitting there appreciating every minute I was listening to Annie speak. I knew I would never live those moments again so I soaked them in like a sponge while I could. She mentioned a lot of photographers I learned about in photo history class and I was happy to say that with almost every photographer she mentioned i was able to picture a picture of theirs in my head. hah.

I wish I could have stayed to shake her hand or something. She was lucky enough to be where she is today and to be able to meet some of my biggest heroes and inspirations. I envy her and she's a truly inspiring person. But sadly, there was a huge line waiting already and we had to get back to Caz.

Basically, I will never forget this opportunity I had. I came back to Caz wanting to tell everyone stories about the lecture.

Why party?

Before I go about my ranting on this subject, I just want to say that I don't believe that all some people do when they come to college is party, drink, and whatnot. I'm not saying they are bad people and I don't hate them. I'm not trying to offend anyone but here it goes...

At the end of May/beginning of June, in 1oth grade, one of my "friends" asked me what I was going to do for my birthday. It was my 16th birthday coming up in a few weeks. I responded with an "I don't know" because I'm not big on doing anything major for my own birthday. She replied with something along the lines of going to a party because I was turning 16 and I should really start partying. That pissed me off. Just because I was turning 16 doesn't mean I should go out and drink and smoke and forget everything the next day.

This friend of mine started partying at the beginning of that school year. Ever since then, we hung out less and less and another one of my friends and I were considered to be immature then. We were looked down upon for not going to these parties. We just wanted to have fun while sober...I didn't see the big deal.

It eventually got to the point where I would try to hang out with this friend, but whenever we set up a day to hang out, at the last minute she would say, "Oh, I am going to a friends house (the main party house) for the night, I forgot about that. You can come with me and watch. You don't have to drink."

I never went and I'm glad I didn't.

I thought about what would happen if I ever drank or smoke pot or anything like that. I am naturally an energetic person most of the time and that mixed with some sort of substance does not sound like the best idea. I am honestly scared to find out what I would do if I ever did any of that crap. It's just a bad idea all around. I don't see the point of me ever engaging in any of these fun filled activities.

I will admit, I have been around drunk people before. I have played games with them, helped them climb stairs, drove them home, kept them from falling, cleaned their wounds from being hit by tree branches, kept them out of trouble, etc. For all of those situations, I was the only sober one, or one of the few sober ones at that time. I was glad to be there to help them, those people I care about. But I never ever want to see myself in that situation. Since the 10th grade, I have decided to become straight-edge, which basically means, I live a clean life. The phrase "straight-edge" has been widely overused since I have decided to claim myself to be one. So, instead, I'll just call myself clean and leave it at that.

One thing I have noticed recently and that really bothers me is seeing people's decisions on what college to go to based off of the party scene. That's plain stupid. You are not paying a few thousand dollars a semester to party your butt off at college. If you want to party all the time, stay home, get a job at the gas station, and try to live your way through buying beer every weekend to have a great time. Go for it, it's your life. Just don't come to college expecting it to be one big party. Sure you can party sometimes, just don't forget about the work. Really, reality will slap you in the face, I promise. When the end of the semester rolls around and you get a letter in the mail saying you are dismissed from college because you haven't been putting any effort into your work, it's your own fault.

I understand that some people rely on drugs and alcohol because they are depressed, stressed, or need a break from life. I need those moments too I just take them in a completely different direction. I write, I cry, I take walks, I sit by a lake, I play music, I blast music, I vent, I'm quiet, I watch a funny movie, I read, I hug. I do anything to make myself feel better and not rely on any substance. People who do worry me, a lot. I know several people who have abused drugs and alcohol to the point of them overdosing or getting into some serious trouble. So many horrible things happens at parties, or when someones alone involving overdosing or something like that. It's reality, it's the truth, we can't ignore it. Why do some people chose to try to ignore it and get themselves into the same quicksand and they finally find out they can't escape. It's horrible I can't even explain this very well.

I chose not to party because I do not want to party. I know several people who do the same thing and that's why I am friends with them. I also know several people who will do what they want and party when they want and that's fine, just try not to worry me too much and take care of yourself. If you ask me to go to a party involving drinking and smoking instead of free food twister and piñatas, I'm most likely to say no. Don't be surprised when I do because I am sick of people being surprised that a college student doesn't party.

Twenty Random Facts about me.

1. I want to write a book someday.

2. I was asked the other day how I have so much energy all the time. I honestly don't know the answer to that question.

3. I'm deeply afraid of losing people to death.

4. Lately, I've been comparing my surroundings to things related to my family. Tall Timbers, Easter, Christmas, Long Island, NC, etc. I guess I'm just deprived of a lot of my cousins.

5. I'm apparently movie deprived.

6. I have the weirdest, craziest dreams ever. I will explain them to you if you ask.

7. I'm afraid of staple guns and won't let bumble bees get to close to me because of a dream I had as a kid involving the both of them.

8. I love pizza.

9. Whenever I hear ska music I find it impossible to stand still.

10. I have a habit of shaking my foot, tapping my foot, or something causing me to never be able to sit still.

11. I think it's amusing when guys are surprised that I can pick them up.

12. Sometimes I find myself annoying and wonder how people can deal with me. Sometimes I actually like the way I am.

13. Even though I am a optimistic for some people, I can be pretty pessimistic towards myself.

14. I wish I still played guitar like I used to, I lack the motivation now.

15. I wish I could pull a Back to the Future and drive 88 miles and time travel. I want to experience almost every era.

16. I find it hard to actually be mean to people. I am terrible at insults.

17. I wish I was better at memorizing things. I don't remember half of the vocab words I learned in high school English, or in Spanish. I don't remember most things science and history related. Math is just a lost cause. I did horrible on the SATs. It wasn't until college that I realized I am a visual person.

18. I really really really really hope I can play guitar on stage with Green Day someday. It's a huge wish, one out of a few thousand, but it's possible.

19. When I run outside in the morning around 6am I always think the people who are wandering the streets are sleepwalking and zombieish. I tend to run faster when I run past them.

20. I never cry in public unless I'm at a funeral.

done.

KEVIN!