Do you know how happy I would be if I woke up next to you every day instead of waiting for weeks at a time just to be by your side?

I miss you...

I think I'm in the wrong major.

I want to write a book based off of my dreams.

Last night, I experienced something called a Lucid Dream for the first time.

Lucid dreaming is basically being aware that you are dreaming and on occasion, you can control that dream. In my opinion, that is freakin awesome.

Right before I went to bed last night, I started the book, "A Clockwork Orange." Now, I don't know if that contributed to this weird dreaming I had, but I am pretty sure it did.

In my dream, I was basically living in the future and it wasn't a pleasant one. It was a future filled with the government taking over absolutely everything and the military watching the streets at night. It was rare to find a decent and safe place to live. People were questionable, there was no money, we used the barter system and stole to get what we needed.

In the beginning of the dream, I was driving my car with someone in the passenger seat (I don't know who). I dropped that person off and decided I wanted to commit suicide because I couldn't stand this new world I was witnessing. So I tried to kill myself by slamming my car into random buildings. (I don't know what it was, maybe I couldn't find any cliffs to drive off of or something. I also can never drive properly in my dreams, no matter how hard I try.)

Anyway, I failed at killing myself and completely wreaked my car (obviously). So, I decided to check this new world out. (I don't feel like writing out all of the details of the new world, I wrote paragraphs and paragraphs in my dream journal this morning but I'll try to keep it short and simple here). Basically, green was a hard color to find. There was barely any grass and most of the land was dry. Surprisingly, I found a safe place to stay for a few days that was filled with green grass and a few trees too. This place was a little community filled with people my age. They welcomed me with warmth and smiles and let me stay as long as I wanted to. I accepted the invitation and stayed for a few days. While at this place, I managed to find an old friend, gather up supplies and clothes to last me a while (by stealing out of peoples suitcases from the streets), and become familiar with my new home.

The old friend I ran into looked a lot like my friend, Raymond, so we will call him Raymond. Now, Raymond promised that when we figures it out, he will help me escape this place. It wasn't a bad place to be, I was kind of enjoying it. But, at night the military roamed the streets and whoever was roaming the streets as well were sent to the prison at the military base. The green hideout I lived in was basically secretive and the military could find it at any given moment. That's why I had to get out.

Next thing I knew, I was in a crummy old apartment. It was a huge time jump I suppose. I assumed that Raymond got me out of the hideout and brought me there. The military still roamed the streets there, but it was safer than an unwanted hide out I suppose. While I was there, there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find some guy trying to get me to barter with him. I refused and he noticed that I was very bitter (Well, I only somehow ended up in a futuristic world where people live in fear and it seemed as if the apocalypse hit the planet.) This guy gave up the bartering attempt and then he was really determined to make me laugh. He took me to his place where all of his friend and family were. They all seemed happy and content and they manged to get a few smiles and laughs out of me. After that bit, the guy took me back to my apartment where Raymond was cooking dinner. While walking back in, I noticed that the apartment wasn't very secure for the doors seemed to be made out of rubber. When I got back inside, Raymond showed me what he cooked for dinner and a cat's head was laid out on a platter burnt with it's eyes bulging out. After that, I never let him cook again.

That was the end of my dream that seemed to last all night.

During this whole entire dream, I swear I knew I was dreaming. I had control of my actions and I had a blast with it (even though the dream wasn't that pleasant). I also think I was half awake at times because I distinctly remember rolling over and just continuing with the same dream with the realization that I can control it. I chose to try to kill myself to escape the new world, I chose to push some random guy off of me when he tried to kiss me and told him that I wasn't one to kiss random strangers, I chose to steal clothes so I can be clothed even though they were guys clothes, and I chose to trust my friend Raymond.

When I was young, I watched a Blues Clues episode where they told you that you can control your dreams, you can make your scary dreams into happy dreams. I never believed them. Their method never helped me make my reoccurring dinosaur dream disappear. I never believed them until now. It's so crazy. I can't even explain it. Maybe I should read, "A Clockwork Orange" before bed more often so I can see if this could happen again.

I strongly recommend keeping track of your dreams. Keep a journal by your bed and write them down immediately after waking up or else you can forget them easily. Force yourself to write them if you have to. Things can get interesting, trust me.

One year.

So, this will be a short but to the point blog.

I have a few things to say but don't have enough time to get into a lot of detail about them now.

1) It has officially been one year since Ryan and I started to date. The fact that one year went by so fast kind of scares me. Despite my paranoia of time, I am truly happy that I've spent the last year with Ryan as my significant other. I am very grateful to have found someone who isn't a jerkface (like guys I've liked in high school) and who loves me for who I am. Thank you Ryan, Happy One Year. : )

2) Ever since I have been in college, I think I have become angrier at the world. I have human being rage. It sounds odd, but I find myself being more and more pissed off at people. People who find the need to show off and be jerk faces. People who are self-centered, don't give a thought to the rest of the world, and people who need a huge slap in the face by reality itself. I'm not saying everyone sucks, there are a lot of decent people in the world. Sometimes it takes some sifting through to find decent people, but it's worth it. I am thankful to have wonderful, decent people in my life and when those bad eggs roll around, I'll try to not let them affect me too much.

3) Every day I question my future. I'm going to college to take pictures, I think that sounds so weird! Anyway, I'm always wondering if I am doing the right thing. While working with Jack Cole (a local studio photographer) I am finding out about how a lot of people don't find the need to get their pictures professionally taken anymore. Maybe it's just around that small, rural, area of Oneonta. Maybe if I go closer to a larger city to start a business in photography I can make a decent living for myself.

When I first decided to major in photography, I couldn't see myself doing anything else in my life. I was really determined, I still am. I just wonder if I can really make a future out of it. If now, what will I do? I have several things I want to do with photography, studio photography, photojournalism/documentary, and I can possibly be an adjunct photography professor. Every moment I worry about my future career and I have to stop that.

4) Sometimes, I wish I can go back in time to grab opportunities and chances while I could. For example, I should have stuck with playing in band while I could. In 5th grade, we were allowed to choose any instrument to play and I chose the flute. After the first few music lessons, I was already freaking out and didn't think I could proceed with the flute anymore, so I quit.

For one, I wish I picked a different instrument, like the trumpet and stuck with it.

Two, it could have helped me not be such a dumb butt when it comes to reading music. I really, really wish I learned how to read music when I was younger. Now when people try to teach me, I have a mental block. I absolutely can not understand it.

I also should have taken studio art in high school. I could have taken photography if I did that which would have given me a heads up if I wanted to pursue it as a career or not and maybe, just maybe, I could actually be decent at other forms of art too.

I think I'm done for now. I've got work in the morning, I am tired, and there are still music mixes to be made!

Teen Role Model?

I wanted to post a blog earlier, but I didn't really have anything to rant about until now.

My subject for tonight is Miley Cyrus.

When Hanna Montana first debuted on Disney Channel, my sister, Melanie, fell in love with it right away. It wasn't a horrible show, the music annoyed the crap out of me but at least it wasn't sending out the wrong message. After Melanie got a hold of the music, she blasted it all of the time. I hated it. I can not stand the sound of Miley Cyrus's voice.

One day, after ranting to my friend Anthony about how much I hated Miley Cyrus's music, he made a very good point. He said that at least kids and tweens are looking up to Miley rather than looking up to rappers who rap about sex, drugs, and clubs. I agreed with him and for once appreciated what Miley stood for. That was two years ago.

Now, Miley has become something that I don't want the younger generations looking up to at all. Despite the fact Miley still does her kids show, her music has gotten to a point where she's making herself look like every other wannabeamazingsinger in the music industry today. It sickens me.

She went from being a role model singing about living two lives to a teen slut singing about how much men she can get. How pathetic is that? She is younger than me, she shouldn't be singing about that crap. hah

I just don't understand, she was decent, I admit that now. Now she's just stupid.

I just showed Melanie her new music video and even she is disappointed! Go figure!

This wasn't even a really good rant, but at least I made my point.

I came up with this rant after watching this video:

Concerts and the scariest moment of my life yet

In this blog, I have two things to rant about.

Rant Number 1:

The other day, I fainted for the first time ever.

A few days ago, Meghan and I decided to meet each other halfway in town so we could hang out. It was a lot more humid than we both expected. When we got back to my house, I was really really thirsty and I was also sweating. So, I decided to change my clothes quick then grab a drink. While looking for a drink/something to eat, I slammed my finger in the fridge, of course. Then I proceed to open it again, I saw black spots everywhere, but I ignored it because that sometimes happens. The next thing I know, I'm sitting on the floor with my head resting against my arms and all I see is black. I sit there for a moment thinking I was in bed, this is a dream, right? No. I finally wake up and see Meghan saying "JENNA!" with relief. At the time my phone was also ringing. Usually, I wake up in the mornings to my phone ringing so that might have nudged me awake. (It was a text message from Jolene by the way. hehe.)

I got up and started freaking out, I asked Meghan if I just fainted and she said yes. I ran up to the bathroom and splashed water on my face and made sure it wasn't a dream. Sure enough, I was awake. A few seconds later, my mom came home for lunch and I told her what happened. She started to freak out and I put a calm face on telling her I'm fine and that there is nothing to worry about. Then when she left the room to call a doctor, I started to cry. I figured it was dehydration that made me faint, but it's never happened before, I guess it was understandable to cry.

So, my mom decided to take me to the emergency room and Meghan came with us. They took us in right away and a nurse lady asked me a few questions but I started to cry again. Then they sent me into a room with my mom and Meghan and we waited for the nurse and doctor to come in. A nurse came in to put fluids in my arm and to take some blood for blood tests. She tried my left arm, couldn't find a visible vein. She tried the left arm, poked it this time and it didn't work. She sent a different nurse to try to get some blood out of me. She tried my hand, poked me, didn't work. The 3rd nurse came in and got a needle my right arm right away. Gah!

The whole time in that room, I tired to keep a positive attitude and I did. I cracked jokes and tried to make Meghan and my mom laugh rather than worry. Soon enough, (meaning a few hours later) the doctor came in and told me I was normal. Go figure! All I needed to do was keep hydrated and try not to slam my fingers in places so much.

Despite the fact I was okay, that fainting moment still scared the crap out of me. Now fainting is on my list of fears.

Rant Number 2:

This is my official rant about concerts.

Let's start out with mentioning how much I love concerts. Live music is something that everyone needs to experience. Everyone who attends concerts has something in common. We all experience the power of the music, sing along, and have a good time (for the most part).

In my short 18 (almost 19) years on earth, I have experienced a variety of concerts. I've been to huge arenas and tiny bars. I've seen bands perform crappy rap, to ska, to rock, to boy bands, to oldies, and a crap load more. I usually have a pretty good time at concerts, I try to ignore the idiots, the drunk people, the complaining parents in the mosh pit, etc. When going to a concert, you have to be prepared for almost anything.

Last night, I saw the Dave Matthews Band live at SPAC for the first time. Since DMB is pretty freakin popular, we were stuck with getting lawn tickets. But lawn tickets are no problem, there's huge screens to see the concert from and you can still see the stage.

Going to a DMB concert, I should have expected the pot, the smoke, and the beer and I kind of did. I just didn't expect people to be so rude about it. Oh, boys and girls found their way to sneak pot and bowls into SPAC and get high off their asses all night. People found ways to sneak beer in and spend $10 a cup there, drink until they pass out, then security guards would have to wake them up. People founds ways to be complete jerk faces on the field and not let people pass by.

Ryan and I decided to get closer to the band while having these lawn tickets. So, we moved closer to the point where it felt like we were actually in the mosh pit. In every direction we turned there were people smoking cigarettes and pot then proceeding to blow it right into our faces. By the end of the night, my lungs felt all asdkasdasjd and I thought...if this is what I would feel like after smoking/getting high then I would never do it. It's stupid.

By the middle of the show, Ryan and I decided to head back up to the seats where my mom and John sat. Oh, and there was a passed out drunk guy right behind us, yup, hopefully he didn't get stepped on. What a good way to spend $50 per ticket, man.

Despite human beings, the Dave Matthews Band put on a pretty amazing show. They defiantly gave us our moneys worth. They played for 2 and a half ours with plenty of entertainment and solos attached. And, along with every other concert I go to, there was that hint of feeling infinite for a few moments. Truly happy with no worries attached. That moment lasted for a few seconds, but it was amazing nonetheless.

bah! This blog is long enough. This concert rant isn't as nearly as what I can really say about people at concerts, but it will do for now.

byeee.

Delayed Blog to the rescue!

I am really really delayed on posting a new blog and I apologize for that.

For the past few days I have been playing an abnormal amount of Sims 3 and I've spent a few days in Tall Timbers.

Be prepared for a long blog filled with ranting and raving of the following subjects: Tall Timbers, my future/Sims 3, another list of 10 goals, and maybe some more.

Okay, Tall Timbers. I love the place it's just an extremely hard place to explain. Actually, I don't really go there for the place, I go there for the people. My family has been going there for years and years and I was just sucked into the tradition. I would go there a few times every summer with my dad, I even stayed for a whole month to work with kids in the Arts and Crafts cabin. Along the way we all made out share of friends there, most of them got along with each other (until now, but I will explain that later.)

I tend to remember a lot that has happened at Tall Timbers because there are few memories to look back on. I can recall certain conversations word by word or recall the same feelings I had when I really liked people there.

But now, years later from all the happy memories that we made a lot more often than we do now, people stopped going there, or stopped talking to each other, or are just growing up way to fast. I go there now and we have to avoid people to prevent arguments and drama, we have to beg family to meet us there like it should be. My grandparents aren't there anymore, they fled to North Carolina and they held the best bbqs and they kind of were the knot that held us all together for a while. Then again, some people and things haven't changed at all. For example, despite what people might say, I don't see a huge change in Jessica and Anthony they are still the same people, they are just in a relationship now. The environment hasn't changed. The adults trying to be teenagers and grinding at the dances haven't changed eaither.

I guess that we just have to take whatever Tall Timbers might throw to us next.

As I said earlier, I have been playing an abnormal amount of the computer game, Sims 3. I have been pretty much making my ideal life on a computer game, it's kind of sad.

I mean, it only takes a few days to have a baby, if only that could really happen. In real life, I would probably adopt despite every time I say that I manage to piss someone off (maybe I will have one kid someday, I don't know. I'm still 18, unlike little 15 year olds who want to get pregnant to stay with their boyfriends, I am still too young to think about it.) I am a successful journalist who paints and writes books on the side married to my musician of a husband, Ryan, with two kids, Zoey and Max.

Of course, time seems to go by too fast in this game. It's one of the few factors of the game that really freaks me out because well, time can go that fast for actual human beings as well if they don't pay attention to the rest of their lives.

Sims 3 then leads me to my future and what the freak I want to do with my life.

I am going to college for photography and once and a while...maybe more than that, I question if I should stick with photography orrr what am I really doing with my life? I honestly have no idea. I love photography, sure, I can't really see myself doing anything else except something with writing, hence my minor being journalism. Maybe I will change my minor to something English again or something to do with writing and take a journalism class as well.

I have multiple plans for my future. This is my idea job: Working/managing a photo studio. I would like that to be my full-time job, if I can find somewhere to station that and actually make some money. If not, I can be an adjunct professor on the side, do some documentary work, work in a book store, or run right into the photojournalism path. Who knows?

I guess it really depends on my location and if years and years from now I can still pull out concept ideas for future photos hoots. I will have to see if I can actually pull off studio photography, if I can't I am definitely screwed.

From my future, I roll right into where am I going to live?

Honestly? I just watched two of Michael Moore's films and I don't want to live in America anymore. I mean, if sometime in the next few years America decides to take notes from rather than look down upon other counties, maybe we would be somewhat decent. But, no, the whole system is corrupt. I am so afraid for my future, you have no idea. What if I manage to completely break like 15 bones in my body or something and since I will be a broke photographer, I won't be able to afford the operations let alone my health care in general. Right now, I envy other countries (if you don't know what I mean then please watch the movie, "Sicko"). I would really like to live in Canada or England. But if I live in Canada it would be easier for me to visit family. See? I've got it somewhat planned out.

For now, I'm observing/working as an assistant at a photo studio over the summer (with Jack Cole, some of you might know him). I'll be seeing the Dave Matthews Band on Saturday, next Wednesday I'll be 19, I'll be going to NC soon enough, I will be working at Camp HERE again in July, I mow my dad's lawn every week.

I also planned a photo shoot for tomorrow. It's a concept revolving around my batman cape again except my model is a girl this time. I am kind of excited, I hope it doesn't downpour on us.

Do I know what I am doing? No. But I will wing it and hope for the best.

Okay, here is my old list of 10 goals. I've checked off what I have accomplished.

1. Get a 3.0 GPA or higher this semester ✔
2. Go to NC and visit family I haven't seen in years (probably this summer)
3. Visit Brenda in the city AND Sam in NJ (I'm going to the city this summer)
4. Attempting poetry again (I should, I should, I shoulddd!)
5. Actually pick up my guitar once a day and play for at least an hour ✔ (basically)
6. Explore digital photography more and learn how to use picture editing programs ✔ (kind of...)
7. Go to Warped Tour and find a way to get there that everyone is happy with (nope >.<)
8. Find another job ✔
9. Stop running away from my problems ✔ (basically)
10. Find a way to talk sanity into Melanie ✔ (she's getting slightly better)

Here is my new list:

1. To expand my vocabulary. Learn new words every day. I barely remember what I learned in high school, time to start again.

2. Continue with future photo shoots and always try to think of new ideas and concepts.

3. To have an awesome summer with little drama as possible.

4. To get Ryan to Tall Timbers with my for 4th of July weekend, or river rafting!

5. Force myself to practice drawing and painting even tho I will suck at both.

6. Keep being the book worm that I am.

7. Be a successful studio assistant for the two weeks I actually am working and learn from every minute of it.

9. Attempt to spend equal time with all friends. Oh, if only they all got along -.-

8. Spend more time outside, the computer is overrated!

10. Keep playing that music, music, music!

Okayy, I'm done, sorry for the extra large blog today.. :P

Journal 2

I felt the need to post my separate journal entry in a separate post.

So, here it goes...

June 17th, 2009
5:49 am

I just experienced one of the most happiest/infinite moments of my life.

Well, first off, I fell asleep around 12:30-1ish and ended up waking up at 3. I tried to fall back asleep but I had many failed attempts. Eventually, I gave up and went downstairs to watch some TV (The Flintstones, The Nanny, and Rocket Power). Soon, I realized that I could watch the sunrise. So, I wrapped myself in my Beatles blanket, walked outside to the end of my drive way, and just sat there.

I watched the sunrise and the clouds moving and shaping themselves into different images. Ilistened to the songs of the birds. I saw the cutest bunny hop to it's home somewhere on my property. At one point, a loud noisy truck passed, then backed up to see if I was okay. It was then I realized I don't think I know anyone who would be willing to get up in the wee hours of the morning just to appreciate a moment like this with me.

It was so peaceful, so perfect. I appreciated every second of it and felt so infinite. I haven't been this happy in a long time. Maybe if I did this earlier I would have been in an infinite state of mind sooner. But, it's better late than never.

The whole time, I wished Ryan was there with me to experience this whole thing. It's kind of ironic though because yesterday while on the rock we were sitting on, we figurd out that it would be the perfect spot to watch the sunrise. I told him he should kidnap me at 3 am just to bring me there. The funny thing is, I subconsciously woke up at 3 am.

Now I think I might be tired enough to get a few more hours of sleep.

silly insomniac.

---------
I plan to do this sometime again, very soon. It's well worth being an early bird to get up for it.
: ]

Journal 1

Today, I decided to take a step into my past.
I started a journal on November 26th 2008 and finished it on June 19th, 2009.
I found quite a few entries I would like to share on my blog. I am going to type 2 up today and save the rest for the appropriate times.

For now, here is an entry from January 5th, 2009...

Here comes the new year.

How did time possibly go by that fast?
-I don't understand.

Anyway, here's another venting moment in this lame Harry Potter journal I stole from my sister.

Last weekend, I spent the weekend with my dad and Melanie at Felecia's house.
I was really content that weekend, I had my own quiet room for once. The room I have at my mom's house, I can hear everything that goes on in the house all the time.

While I was reading over the weekend, something really weird happened. I am currently reading the book, Brave New World, and it talks quite a bit about life and death. After I read a certain part of that book, I just stopped and stared at the blue walls of that small room for a while. All of the sudden, I became really scared of life and death, which is never good.

I have often questioned why I am here. I've looked at my fingers, face, body, and questioned everything. I don't think I will ever understand this part of me that is so scared of the world, of life, of death, of love. Yet, at the same time, I want to live. I want to fall in love. I want to see and experience every bit of this world. I don't understand how I am scared and willing/wanting at the same time.

At that moment, my potentional future flew past me in a matter of minutes. I was so afraid of growing up and growing old.
The sad thing is, I don't have anyone to vent to about this.


----------------------------
Just for the record, I have thought that way for as long as I can remember. I have these random moments where I would stare into nothingness and scare the crap out of myself with my own thoughts. I'm not as bad as I used to be, I have things in my life to distract me. But it still happens from time to time.

books, books, and more books!

Whenever I finish an amazing book, all I want to do is tell people about it.

I was to discuss what happened in the book and express my feelings and opinions about it.

But, most of the time, I never have anyone to discuss it with.

So, I have decided to list off books from the top of my head that I loved and I think people should read. Okay, here we go:

1. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini then read A Thousand Splendid Suns

2. Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

3. The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

4. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand (I would also recommend The Fountainhead as well but I personally enjoyed Atlas Shrugged a lot more.)

5. All of the books by Frank McCourt: Angela's Ashes, 'Tis, and Teacher Man

6. The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger

7. Any book by Kurt Vonnegut

8. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley scared the crap out of me but it's worth reading, trust me.

9. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and the rest of the series by Douglas Adams (guaranteed to make you laugh)

10. The Freedom Writers Diary - true stories written by students, a must read

11. Go Ask Alice

12. Don't forget the Harry Potter books!

13. Looking for Alaska by John Green

14. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

15. Anne Frank!

16. All of Dan Brown's books! - The DaVinci Code, Angels and Demons, and The Lost Symbol

That's all I've got for now, there's plenty more out there tho and more that I know I'm forgetting.

But, if you have read any of these, or eventually read these books, let me know. I would love to hear your thoughts. : ]

Oh, the snow in Mayyy.

This blog has nothing to do with snow.

Actually, I am terribly delayed in this whole blogging business so I thought while it's still snowing outside, why don't I update my small fan base on my ever so interesting life.

I am officially done with being a freshman in college. Crazy right? I honestly don't know how this semester went by so quickly. Last semester, now that was a drag.

Let's recap this year.

When I arrived at Cazenovia I felt very welcome, actually. The orientation advisors were great (most of them) and they did a good job at waking everyone up in the mornings with pots and pants.

But anyway, us freshman were hit with a lot of crap at once. This was really a life changing experience and a whole lot of crap thrown on our shoulders. We were placed into a different world and we had no idea what was going to happen and how we were going to handle everything. We were pretty much all scared poopless yet at the same time we all had that rush of excitement.

I met Kathryn shortly after arriving and from that moment on I knew we would get along perfectly despite our musical differences (haha). I loved our room, the campus, the lake, Cazenovia just seemed perfect for me. But later that night I arrived, everything struck me at once.

I was one nervous, paranoid, son of a batch of cookies. After just a few days, I was homesick but never showed it around people. I longed for the familiar halls of high school and the faces I saw every day. I was in terrible need of hugs all of the time and even though Kathryn was beside me for about 90% of my first few days there, I felt alone. I cried when I was in the room alone, vented to Ryan about how unsure I was about Caz, etc.

Kathryn was going through similar things but she was actually showing them in front of people, which is fine. I hugged her plenty of times and told her everything was going to be okay even though I knew her for just a few days. Turns out, things did get better for a lot of us freshman.

Soon, Kathryn and I ran into someone named Lisa. She was going through the paranoid freshman stage as well. We all talked about it and vented about how maybe other colleges would have been a better choice or in Lisa's case, dropping out and becoming a hobo. We all kind of talked ourselves into hating Cazenovia.

Classes started and that just made matters worse, but better at the same time (come to think of it.) I was taking a Funds. of College Math at the time and whole class was treated like we were dumb and we all grew to hate the class. Some of us can't help we suck at math, I'm sorry. Academic Writing II was a challenge. I took Academic Writing I in high school and lo and behold it didn't help me at all in this course. I didn't know what the freak we were writing most of the time (Textual Analysis and Annotated Bibs). I compared that class to pulling a 2 ton train, I sometimes wished I was pulling a train instead of trying to get through that class. The Music Seminar wasn't bad. But, the good thing about that semester is that my advisor put me into a Photography I course (photo was my minor) and an Art History I course. It was with those classes that I realized I wanted to change my major. By the end of the semester, I found a knack and passion in photography. Thank you Eric Boyer, my first advisor.

Throughout these class days, I was a hermit crab. Even though I didn't go home every weekend, I went home...most weekends to visit my boyfriend Ryan. I found it hard to go 1 or two weeks without seeing him. But with being two hours away and since the work piled on, I ended up having to be away from him up to almost a month at times and we both hated it so. In the meantime, we were able to at least saw each others faces on skype. :P I stayed in my room and did work most of the time I was on campus. A few times in the beginning of the year, Lisa, Kathryn and I went to a park we found by the lake. That park ended up being my favorite spot but once it got cold, we stopped going. Soon, Jolene joined our freshman journey.

It wasn't long until I wanted to transfer. I was so sick of Cazenovia, its classes, the people, everything. Everything was just pissing me off and whenever I went through each day I found something new to hate at Caz. I had three close friends and just stayed in the group with them. I didn't make socializing a priority and I did not by any means had any desire to party. So, I started to looking into the art program at SUNY Oneonta. I figured it would be better for me. I already have friends who go there, they have photography, and it's much closer to home.

I battled with SUNY Oneonta for months. I visited, talked to a advisor, sent in everything needed to apply, and made sure my classes transfered. Then, I had to deal with the art department. The chair of the art department was the most impossible person. I never want to deal with her again. I wanted to see if my photography classes transfered, so I gave her my syllabus and hoped for the best. Months later, they haven't told me anything yet and apparently lost my syllabus. At the same time, the chair of the photo department is retiring and whenever I tried to ask if they were looking to hire anyone new to teach classes, I couldn't get a straight answer out of anyone.

When the semester ended, Lisa left for good and it was a sad day indeed. She decided to not give another chance to Caz and immediately jumped on an opportunity to live in an apartment with her friend and attend a school only a few minutes from where she lived. I, on the other hand, had no choice to give Caz another chance. My grades from high school weren't good enough for SUNY Oneonta.

My second semester at Caz was a much different and much better one. I had to take 3 studio classes which I thought would kill me, they actually turned out to be not that bad and enjoyable. I started to meet people within my major and actually started to make some friends (go figure!). Anyway, it all started with my friend, Aaron. We were in Drawing and Effective Speaking class together. One day, we were required to attend a lecture, him and the professor saw me sit alone and wouldn't let me sit alone. So, I sat by them. After that, I walked back to campus with Aaron and we watched some of the Olympics together. He officially brought me out out of my hermit crab shell. Soon, I was no longer afraid of being myself around people and actually letting myself have some fun.

This past semester, it seemed as if everything finally came together for me at Caz. I felt happier and I fell in love with my major and classes I never thought I would like/be good at before (Time Movement & Narrative). I started to actually love Caz and appreciated it for what it is. I found that I am a much better college student than a high school student because I enjoy what I am doing. I finally felt content with college, everyone does at one point or another. Sometimes it takes more than a semester, maybe even more than a year, it's different for everyone.

Here is my shout out to people who made college a not so bad place:

Kathryn, Jolene, Lisa, Aaron, Michelle, Helena, Lindsey, Brian, Chaz, Johnna, Bri, Kaley, Ivan, Emily, Lauren, Elise, & others.

Thank you : ]

lecture.

Annie Leibovitz at her SF exhibition
Originally uploaded by Robert Scoble

I have attended several lectures this year. None of the lectures I've been too haven't been related to my major yet until last night. The first photography lecture I have ever attended was by Annie Leibovitz.

Last night I had the opportunity to hear Annie Leibovitz speak at a lecture at Syracuse University.
This was a rare moment from the start. Annie isn't known to give very many lectures and it just so happens she is related to one of the students at SU so I'm guessing that's how it all began.

I hitched a ride with a sophomore from one of my classes named Sasha. I am really thankful she was willing to drive the only freshman going to the lecture all the way to Syracuse. When we got to SU, I felt very small and was easily intimated by the huge buildings that made up the campus. I tried to imagine me on this campus filled with opportunities and such but it just wasn't working out in my head. I imagined myself getting lost on the way too class every day, not being able to find my class room in the huge buildings, and being just one of the thousands and thousands of students there just trying to get by. It was then I decided maybe I'm meant to go to a small college. I think the size of SUNY colleges would be my limit, anything beyond there is just not my cup of tea.

Anyway, we arrived at the huge dome building where the lecture was being held and of course, we got there a bit too late and almost every seat was already taken. I wondered with the group for about 10 minutes looking for a seat then decided to go off on my own to find a bathroom then find myself a seat. I ended up having a really great seat with an awesome view...if i kneeled the whole time. I really tired to kneel the whole time but I was like ahh and my feet were driving me crazy so I sat and lifted myself up with my hands to see what was going on every 5 seconds. That method seemed to work a bit better.

The whole time I was just sitting there appreciating every minute I was listening to Annie speak. I knew I would never live those moments again so I soaked them in like a sponge while I could. She mentioned a lot of photographers I learned about in photo history class and I was happy to say that with almost every photographer she mentioned i was able to picture a picture of theirs in my head. hah.

I wish I could have stayed to shake her hand or something. She was lucky enough to be where she is today and to be able to meet some of my biggest heroes and inspirations. I envy her and she's a truly inspiring person. But sadly, there was a huge line waiting already and we had to get back to Caz.

Basically, I will never forget this opportunity I had. I came back to Caz wanting to tell everyone stories about the lecture.

Why party?

Before I go about my ranting on this subject, I just want to say that I don't believe that all some people do when they come to college is party, drink, and whatnot. I'm not saying they are bad people and I don't hate them. I'm not trying to offend anyone but here it goes...

At the end of May/beginning of June, in 1oth grade, one of my "friends" asked me what I was going to do for my birthday. It was my 16th birthday coming up in a few weeks. I responded with an "I don't know" because I'm not big on doing anything major for my own birthday. She replied with something along the lines of going to a party because I was turning 16 and I should really start partying. That pissed me off. Just because I was turning 16 doesn't mean I should go out and drink and smoke and forget everything the next day.

This friend of mine started partying at the beginning of that school year. Ever since then, we hung out less and less and another one of my friends and I were considered to be immature then. We were looked down upon for not going to these parties. We just wanted to have fun while sober...I didn't see the big deal.

It eventually got to the point where I would try to hang out with this friend, but whenever we set up a day to hang out, at the last minute she would say, "Oh, I am going to a friends house (the main party house) for the night, I forgot about that. You can come with me and watch. You don't have to drink."

I never went and I'm glad I didn't.

I thought about what would happen if I ever drank or smoke pot or anything like that. I am naturally an energetic person most of the time and that mixed with some sort of substance does not sound like the best idea. I am honestly scared to find out what I would do if I ever did any of that crap. It's just a bad idea all around. I don't see the point of me ever engaging in any of these fun filled activities.

I will admit, I have been around drunk people before. I have played games with them, helped them climb stairs, drove them home, kept them from falling, cleaned their wounds from being hit by tree branches, kept them out of trouble, etc. For all of those situations, I was the only sober one, or one of the few sober ones at that time. I was glad to be there to help them, those people I care about. But I never ever want to see myself in that situation. Since the 10th grade, I have decided to become straight-edge, which basically means, I live a clean life. The phrase "straight-edge" has been widely overused since I have decided to claim myself to be one. So, instead, I'll just call myself clean and leave it at that.

One thing I have noticed recently and that really bothers me is seeing people's decisions on what college to go to based off of the party scene. That's plain stupid. You are not paying a few thousand dollars a semester to party your butt off at college. If you want to party all the time, stay home, get a job at the gas station, and try to live your way through buying beer every weekend to have a great time. Go for it, it's your life. Just don't come to college expecting it to be one big party. Sure you can party sometimes, just don't forget about the work. Really, reality will slap you in the face, I promise. When the end of the semester rolls around and you get a letter in the mail saying you are dismissed from college because you haven't been putting any effort into your work, it's your own fault.

I understand that some people rely on drugs and alcohol because they are depressed, stressed, or need a break from life. I need those moments too I just take them in a completely different direction. I write, I cry, I take walks, I sit by a lake, I play music, I blast music, I vent, I'm quiet, I watch a funny movie, I read, I hug. I do anything to make myself feel better and not rely on any substance. People who do worry me, a lot. I know several people who have abused drugs and alcohol to the point of them overdosing or getting into some serious trouble. So many horrible things happens at parties, or when someones alone involving overdosing or something like that. It's reality, it's the truth, we can't ignore it. Why do some people chose to try to ignore it and get themselves into the same quicksand and they finally find out they can't escape. It's horrible I can't even explain this very well.

I chose not to party because I do not want to party. I know several people who do the same thing and that's why I am friends with them. I also know several people who will do what they want and party when they want and that's fine, just try not to worry me too much and take care of yourself. If you ask me to go to a party involving drinking and smoking instead of free food twister and piñatas, I'm most likely to say no. Don't be surprised when I do because I am sick of people being surprised that a college student doesn't party.

Twenty Random Facts about me.

1. I want to write a book someday.

2. I was asked the other day how I have so much energy all the time. I honestly don't know the answer to that question.

3. I'm deeply afraid of losing people to death.

4. Lately, I've been comparing my surroundings to things related to my family. Tall Timbers, Easter, Christmas, Long Island, NC, etc. I guess I'm just deprived of a lot of my cousins.

5. I'm apparently movie deprived.

6. I have the weirdest, craziest dreams ever. I will explain them to you if you ask.

7. I'm afraid of staple guns and won't let bumble bees get to close to me because of a dream I had as a kid involving the both of them.

8. I love pizza.

9. Whenever I hear ska music I find it impossible to stand still.

10. I have a habit of shaking my foot, tapping my foot, or something causing me to never be able to sit still.

11. I think it's amusing when guys are surprised that I can pick them up.

12. Sometimes I find myself annoying and wonder how people can deal with me. Sometimes I actually like the way I am.

13. Even though I am a optimistic for some people, I can be pretty pessimistic towards myself.

14. I wish I still played guitar like I used to, I lack the motivation now.

15. I wish I could pull a Back to the Future and drive 88 miles and time travel. I want to experience almost every era.

16. I find it hard to actually be mean to people. I am terrible at insults.

17. I wish I was better at memorizing things. I don't remember half of the vocab words I learned in high school English, or in Spanish. I don't remember most things science and history related. Math is just a lost cause. I did horrible on the SATs. It wasn't until college that I realized I am a visual person.

18. I really really really really hope I can play guitar on stage with Green Day someday. It's a huge wish, one out of a few thousand, but it's possible.

19. When I run outside in the morning around 6am I always think the people who are wandering the streets are sleepwalking and zombieish. I tend to run faster when I run past them.

20. I never cry in public unless I'm at a funeral.

done.

KEVIN!

At this point, I could read forever.

Sometimes I like to ignore my life and get lost in books.

I laugh at the humor that's presented to me, smirk when something cute happens, cry when something terribly depressing happens, and basically, feel what the characters feel.

Sometimes I much rather be in the world of the book I am reading than my own world. That's always happened in my head. Sometimes I picture my life as a book or a movie and wonder if anyone would feel the same if my life was a story written in words. Who knows?

It's just one of those ways to escape my own reality.

Sometimes I just feel the need to do that, even if I am having the best day ever.

Reading is just one of my methods to escape reality. Music and writing are my other two ways. Then sleeping is the natural way. With all of these things, I barely notice the passing of time, which is actually great for me. I have this habit of looking at my watch every few minutes because I have to know what time it is and I tend to be paranoid about being late for things almost all the time. My alarm clock is set almost every day, it is really rare when I don't wake up to it in the mornings, even on weekends. I'm a robot. I have schedules for everything planned out in my head and tend to make plans that fail all the time. Time basically runs my life, and plenty of other lives as well. It is immensely nice to take a break from that.

Another thing I like to do is sit at a quiet lake or pond for as long as I need to and just think. I reflect on whatever happened that day, two months ago, 5 years ago. All of my thoughts are connected in some weird messed up way. Sometimes I wonder how I get to such random thoughts and I would have to trace back to what I started thinking about first to understand where that random thought came from.

If you haven't noticed already, I over think things, all the time. It could be a good thing or a bad thing I suppose. I tend to question anything and everything. I don't know what else to say...

That's why getting lost in time is so appealing to me. I don't have to listen to the outside world. I can focus on making myself happy and content rather than doing things for other people. don't get me wrong, I love helping other people. I just don't give myself a whole lot of time to do what I want.

This blog would have been a lot better if I didn't have to go to class in between writing it...

It was a bad rant.

I have become quite fond of Irish accents..

I have quite a bit to ramble about today.

First off, I finished the last of Frank McCourt's books yesterday.

Every time I picked up one of his books, I loved reading it more and more.

At first, I found myself having to get used to his writing style. For example he doesn't use quotation makes while someone is speaking and he rambles quite a bit. It didn't take long for me to get used to it and realize we kind of have a similar train of thought, as weird as that may sound.

We both tend to ramble a lot, question everything, and over think things.

I really enjoyed his series because I feel as if I watched him grow up with each book I read. I watched him grow up in Ireland, face America on his own, and eventually find himself as a teacher. I feel like he has a very accomplished life and he ended up writing a book, three for that matter, like he always wanted. I liked seeing him grow up to be content with his life and he found something to do with his life that he doesn't have to suffer through every day, he actually enjoys it. It might have taken him a while to enjoy it, but eventually it happened.

I would love to meet him.

Number 2.

Yesterday, I went with Michelle, Helena, and Brian to buy clothes for our soon to be made sitcom parody. On the way there, Helena blasted some Sum 41 songs and really got me thinking about when I was in a band and of course, it made me really really really miss it.

Ever since I got to college, I haven't been playing guitar as much as I used to. I'm busy a lot of the time, and other times I don't feel inspired like I used to. I feel as if I suck in general and I shouldn't even bother. But, there are those voices in my head, and yes one of them is Ryan's, telling me I don't suck and that I just need to practice.

I loved being in a band. I always picture myself playing along with songs on a stage and singing my heart out even thought I can't sing. I imagine a crowd cheering and singing along. It's one of the best feelings performing in front of people, really. Especially when they have as much energy as you do. Ahh, I really wish I went farther with my music. A lot of people suggested I go to college for it, I knew I couldn't do it though. I wish I put some effort into learning how to read music notes, practice a lot more, and actually write some songs.

Also, I saw the play "The Sound of Music" last night for the first time. It was amazing. I envied and admired everyone up there even the little actress who played the youngest daughter. I really am jealous of people who have been in musicals. I can never see myself doing what they do. But it looks like so much fun and a really great opportunity in general.

I need to get my motivation back.

Someone find it for me!

Number 3.

I walk funny. I've been told by at least 5 people now that I walk funny, that I look like I'm limping, or something else on those lines.

I don't know why, but I am extremely subconscience about my walking. When I purposely try not to look like an idiot in front of people, I tend to pay way to much attention to how I walk and end up looking stupid anyway. Maybe it's just the way I naturally walk. When I don't pay attention to it, I walk normally, or so I think.

bah.

Number 4.

I want to travel.

a lot.

I can't afford any of these traveling dreams I have, but I am really hoping it will happen someday.

I have this list of things I want to do before I die and a lot of traveling is on it.

I want to go to New Zealand, England, Ireland, Italy, Australia, etc.

I want to experience the world and see the different cultures, try weird food that doesn't have fish in it.

I want to take a million pictures, write stories, talk to people, everything.

Right now, I just want to get to NC to see family.

& I can't even do that.

I suppose I am done for now.

A somewhat failed attempt at a rant...

I really think people should stop to think about what's going on with the rest of the world and other's people's lives, conditions, and situations rather than being caught up in theirs all the time.

Today, I went to another lecture that opened my eyes even more than they were before.

I like being aware of other things going on in the world.

A lot of people just went to this lecture because it was a requirement for one of their classes. Some people actually appreciated it, others couldn't wait for it to be over. I just wish that even though some people might not want to be there or they completely dread the whole lecture, they would just take the time to listen and absorb what the speaker was saying.

I'm not saying the people who chose not to listen are bad people, or that they are ignorant teenagers who only care about their own lives, I'm just saying that someday reality should slap them in the face.

Jen Marlowe was the speaker. She's a filmmaker, a writer, and someone who travels the world to experience and see what other families, cultures, and countries are going through. She's quite the extraordinary person. Not the person I would call a hero, or someone as she quotes "who gives a voice to the voiceless." She's someone who informs America and several other parts of the world what's going on, what people should be aware of, she's really an inspiration.

Every time I watch one of these lectures, I find them to be incredibly inspiring. I really think Cazenovia is actually good at picking out amazing and interesting people from the wide range of photographers, lectures, film makers, journalists and inviting them to speak here. I appreciate it, a lot.

Ever since the beginning of the semester I have developed an interest in documentary photography. Soon, when I have the time, I will watch more films. But for now, I have listened to a lot of people talk about the subject and it really makes me want to be someone who writes, takes pictures of, and makes film out of what is going on in the world instead of just staging pictures and creating a false reality. (Even though, creating a false reality/fantasy would be something I would like to do as well. I just think the messages of documentaries are so much more powerful.)

Even though seeing what's going on in the world is harsh, unexpected, and sometimes hard to believe. Despite what you might convince yourself, it is going on. It is worth taking note of and considering. It's worth thinking about every day and trying to find a way to help out. I think it's better to be aware of these things then being completely sheltered. It may not be the happy way around life, but it does make you appreciate what you have...hopefully...

Anyway, I expected this rant to be a whole lot better.

I had it planned out in my head and then I was distracted by Family Guy.

Maybe better blogs will come along later in the week...

P.S. I didn't know what picture to include with this blog. So, I posted a nifty picture I found on flickr.

^.^

I've decided I want to be reincarnated into a bird.

Still in love? I think so ; )
Originally uploaded by Henný G

Okay, at first, I had nothing to rant about until I saw one word.
Love.
And now I will explain to you what I think of that word and how it is also abused.

Love is something to cherish, it takes a long time to accomplish, it's a complicated thing, it's supposed to be an honest word, and it takes one second to abuse.
What annoys me is the people who use the word just to make their partner happy.
This instance could take place at any age.
Little 7th and 8th graders can be dating someone for a week and claim to love them.
Whenever I hear them mutter an, "I love you" to each other I know it's a lie. I know that they haven't been through enough in their lives to really understand love with someone that's outside of their family.

Love takes a while to understand, in fact, it's a hard thing to understand until you fully figure it out for yourself.
I believe that a lot of people use this word when they don't know what it means and abuse it in that way. I know this because I have experienced it before.
I once claimed I was in love in 10th grade, now I know it was a bunch of sillyness.
For one, I never saw this person I was dating and I was falling in love with the image of the person in my head, not the actual physical person that I actually didn't even know as well as I thought I did.
I was happy at the time, sure. I just had no idea what the flip I was doing.

After that incident, I had a habit of observing other people's relationships and figuring out what it would really be like to fall in love. But of course, I didn't know until love unexpectedly found me.
I think now that I have been though years and years of seeing relationships come and go, going through weird relationships myself, and not throwing myself and my feelings at every guy I ever liked, I have learned what love really is.
I took the time to appreciate what I have now and I am happy with the end results of my stubbornness in high school and what has happened to put me at this point in my life.

One piece of advice I will give is to not look for love, it will find you someday.
At first, I didn't want to believe that. I would always try to find someone to like and see if I can make a relationship work between us in my head and get to know the person before I decide if I actually like that person or not.
But no, that imagination of mine of an ideal relationship never worked. I never let love happen naturally and take it's course until last June.

To end this rant of mine, I shared a picture of what I believe is true love.
I found it on flickr and it makes me smile every time I see it. : ]

I'm a Soul Mannnn

I haven't written one of these in a while.

But I always feel the need to. Writing these blogs are therapeutic and kind of keep me sane sometimes.

Right now, I am sipping apple juice from a juice box and contemplating the meaning of life...or the meaning of my life for that matter.

As far as I'm concerned, for now the meaning of life is still 42 (for those of you who haven't read The Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy you need to get on that).

The past few years of my life, I have made some of the hardest decisions I have encountered yet and I know there's plenty more to come.

Some of those decisions include what college I was going to go to and what major I wanted to peruse most.

I have decided that I am pretty content where I am at. I want to peruse a career in photography and I think that Cazenovia is a good place to start that.

Since I have been here, I also had to learn how to come to terms with change.

I hate doing that.

Since I left high school, I was pretty determined to prove the common fact of losing friends after high school wrong. But, I failed at that. I just don't talk to people like I used to before. The frantic waves, hugs, and hellos in the hallways don't happen in college. Those long talks in study halls and late nights pigging out on junk food never do last forever. That saddens me. I try to talk to people sometimes. But the conversations always seem to fade and sometimes there are those moments where we've realized we all have changed and there's nothing we can do about it. The vibes of our friendship might be lost for a few months, a few years, it may or may not come back. But, we always have the memories and we shouldn't try to erase them by any means. People may say they do, but they can't help but think about it.

I also had to learn how to accept death and how to move on. Last year, both John's father and my Grandpa on my mom's side passed away. It was hard for me to accept both even though I didn't know John's father that well. It killed me to see my Grandpa go though. Old age just got to him to the point where he was weak and couldn't do anything by himself anymore. When he was in the hospital, close to his end, I made sure I had a few minutes with him to talk to him. I told him how much me meant to me and what was currently going on in my life. I was holding his hand the whole entire time and when I was done talking, I saw him squeeze my hand a bit. When I got out to leave, I put a stack of napkins in his hand to make sure he has enough for when he moves on. (He always used to ask waitresses at restaurants for an extra stack of napkins. It turned into an inside joke.)

Another thing I find hard to accept is that my family and family traditions are slowly falling apart. As much as I would like to ignore it and pretend everything is going to be okay, reality just comes back to haunt me again.

Every Easter, I used to go to NJ to spend time with my dad's side of the family. We would all meet up at Aunt Jody's house, go Easter egg hunting, go eat a huge Chinese buffet and take over 4 long tables, and just have a great time.

Last year was my last chance to go to Easter in NJ before college started. But, unfortunately, my dad was in the hospital and I chose not to go because I didn't want to leave him alone.

This year, Jody went to NC to spend time with the rest of our family while I was at home for Easter because Cazenovia is stubborn and won't give us time off like normal colleges.

Another thing that is happening is that my family is beginning to develop a habit of fleeing to NC. (This is still my Dad's side of the family.) Soon, everyone is going to end up there, I swear.

I have nothing against my family living there except it's going to cost me a few hundred dollars just to visit them every time I want to. Right now, my cousins and my aunt's family have been living there for about 2 years and recently my grandparents moved down there. I have yet to visit because I don't have a few hundred to blow on a plane ticket.

Since my grandparents moved down there, now Christmas won't be the same.

meh...